We’ve all received them. An e-mail from a foreign potentate/English Lord/eccentric philanthropist offering to bestow vast sums of money upon us if we will only provide them with basic information such as our bank account number, our date of birth, password, shoe size, dimensions of our genitalia, and the like..
These used to annoy me. Now I have fun with it. When I get one of these e-mails, I respond with something like this:
Dear Prince Nkomo,
Thank you for your kind offer. I look forward to receiving the $50,000,000. When can I expect it? I intend to spend the entire amount on Kit Kat bars and diamond-studded condoms.
Recently I received an e-mail from one Sunny Che Hung Wong, who claimed that he/she represented a Hong Kong electronics firm who wanted to hire me to collect sums due from their North American holdings. The e-mail read as follows:
After a careful review, we decided to contact you to represent our company in North America . Walex Electronic Ltd. with its head office in Hong Kong ,We got your contact detail from our online search for attorney.
The management of Walex Electronic Ltd. requires your legal representation for our North American delinquent Customers. We are of the opinion that a reputable attorney is required to represent us in North America in order for us to recover monies due to our organization by overseas customers, and as well follow up with these accounts. In order to achieve these objectives a good and reputable law firm like yours will be required to handle this service.
Attorney, you can advise us what is required to draw a proper letter of engagement that will be review by our board. We are most inclined to commence talks with you as soon as possible. We shall bring you into a detailed picture of what your responsibility is, when we receive your response.
Note the personal touch. I responded as follows:
Thank you for your recent correspondence. I am flattered that you have chosen me from among the many fine attorneys that this great country has to offer. I can assure you that you have indeed made a wise choice.
First, my background. I received my undergraduate degree at Ronald McDonald University, where I majored in koala bear husbandry with a minor in Yahtzee theory. I obtained my J.D. at Pinsk Academy for the Underprivileged, where I graduated magnum p.i. I went on to receive my LLM. at Big Ed's Chitlin Emporium and One-Stop Tanning Salon.
I have this really groovy briefcase that is plastered with Teletubby stickers. In fact, I often appear in court dressed in a Teletubby costume - usually Tinky Winky, although sometimes I dress as Po. Who's your favorite Teletubby?
The looks on the faces of my colleagues and clients is priceless. They gape open-mouthed and are often struck speechless. Obviously, they are awed by my brilliant legal acumen.
Yes, I sure know how to loosen things up in a courtroom. Just the other day I was in court and the other attorney kept droning on about inadmissible evidence or some shit. So I gave him a wedgie. The judge turned purple and kept pointing his finger at me and yammering endlessly about contempt of court or something. Is that good?
Anyway, I’m so glad that you have recognized my astute talents for handling all kinds of legal crap. I am confident that our further correspondence will lead to a mutually beneficial and long-lasting relationship. My fee schedule and contact number are listed below.
I look forward to working with you.
Initial consultation 1 Kit Kat bar
Court appearance 5 magic beans
Favorable result Thirty pieces of silver
Lee Harvey Oswald, Esquire
Sirhan, Sirhan, Sirhan, Sirhan, Kennedy and Sirhan, P.A.
I thought this would be the end of it. But nooooooooo. A few weeks later Mr./Ms. Hung Wong graced me with the identical e-mail