Tough Guy
By James Cerveny
Thoughts welled up in his mind like hot lava. The geology of his face entered the volcanic era. He tendered thoughts of killing a lot of people simultaneously, beginning with himself. “And there’ll be more after that,” he sneered with his Best Western bravado.
He had colored all the swirling shadows encapsulating the multifarious cadavers of varying degrees mauve, and, laughing good-naturedly, mentally condemned to death all who begged to differ. He considered himself to be a tough guy.
Remember all those movies, where a tough guy (always really stupid and morally bereft) loses out to the smart, funny, much wimpier guy?
Are those movies un-American? I don’t see that sort of thing happening here at all, he thought, as he performed katas with the noomchuks and thanked God that he had long ago transcended any last vestige of wimpishness, thank God!
The next day, he was at Ralph’s Burgers ordering a double cheeseburger with fries, onion rings and a small chocolate shake. “So what if I get a heart attack,” he thought aloud. “Who’d give a shit?”
He paid $3.29 for his meal. The author of this piece was subsequently sued for false advertising.
Subsistence farming was the last thing on his mind, when the door exploded with a dull thud that deafened the jaws of a generation. “Holy Prometheus,” he said with what was left of his mind rusting in the wind, warranty expired, aggressively lackadaisical, wanting not.
But he could not sustain these thoughts for long, for he was a tough guy.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Letter to the Editor - Gainesville Sun
Dear Editor,
I have to complain about the recent spate of signs in Gainesville advocating lawless behavior. I was just in Publix yesterday and a sign at the checkout counter said “Swipe card.” I told the cashier that I’ve never stolen anything in my life and I’m not about to start now, thank you!
Then I was crossing the street and a sign at the crosswalk said “Yield to Peds.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t we be teaching our children to resist pedophiles?
In the words of Barney Fife, we have to nip this in the bud. Next thing you know, our government will be waging illegal wars, torturing people, kidnapping them and taking them to secret prisons in third world countries, and spying on our people without warrants! I know this seems farfetched, but those who say it couldn’t happen here do so at their peril.
James Cerveny
Gainesville
I have to complain about the recent spate of signs in Gainesville advocating lawless behavior. I was just in Publix yesterday and a sign at the checkout counter said “Swipe card.” I told the cashier that I’ve never stolen anything in my life and I’m not about to start now, thank you!
Then I was crossing the street and a sign at the crosswalk said “Yield to Peds.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t we be teaching our children to resist pedophiles?
In the words of Barney Fife, we have to nip this in the bud. Next thing you know, our government will be waging illegal wars, torturing people, kidnapping them and taking them to secret prisons in third world countries, and spying on our people without warrants! I know this seems farfetched, but those who say it couldn’t happen here do so at their peril.
James Cerveny
Gainesville
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Letter to a Friend
I think you know how much admiration I have for you. You are one of the few people I know who shares my spiritual outlook so closely. And I believe you to be a person who values honesty and integrity. But frankly, I see a disconnect between those values and some of your politics. I think it’s because you have not had access to the same information as I have. Not surprising, given the degeneration of the MSM into a propaganda agent hostile to liberty and truth. This is why I keep e-mailing you with information that I find truthful and relevant. And I say this not out of a feeling of superiority. I take the principle of open-mindedness very seriously and I admit the possibility that I may be wrong on many things. I try to engage you in dialogue when I would not waste my time doing the same with many other people because your honesty and intellect make me think such an endeavor to be worthwhile – part of my calling, or the next right thing, if you will.
I make this preamble because I greatly offended a friend recently, and he went off on me after I made what I thought to be a perfectly innocent comment. I found out later he has some anger issues, so maybe it wasn’t entirely my fault. Nevertheless, I made prompt and humble amends. I did not mention what I perceived to be his part in the misunderstanding, even though I still think he overreacted. Now we are the best of friends.
That being said, I will address the following points with an intensity based on a passion I will neither moderate or apologize for:
Many of the statements made in your response exemplify everything that appalls me about my perception of the Tea Party movement. I am astounded at how you can be unaware of anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, pro-war, or racist propaganda in the tea party movement (because of time factors, I will only address Muslim and war issues) when shrill demagogues like Gingrich, Beck, Peitkoff, the rabidly insane Pamela Geller, and Palin are foaming at the mouth about a proposed cultural center, in the midst of strip clubs, gambling dens, and, yes, mosques, four blocks from the site of an act of predictable blowback from US policies. When these shameless degenerates dishonestly demonize a peaceful and heroic Islamic leader who is an outspoken opponent of terrorist violence (a Sufi, no less, the most beautiful, peace-loving, mystical form of Islam) for their own political ends. When they show utter contempt for property rights and the Constitution, which they claim to revere. When mobs across the country, drunk with hatred fomented by these despicable creatures, complete with dogs (which they bring in the mistaken and ignorant belief that Muslims somehow dislike them) try to intimidate Muslims to stop the construction of any and all mosques, in scenes disturbingly reminiscent of Kristallnicht.
Interpreting the construction of a mosque in the vicinity of “Ground Zero” as some sort of an affront is as illogical as objecting to the construction of a church in the vicinity of the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City because Tim McVeigh belonged to some crackpot, nominally Christian sect. I’m not holding my breath waiting for such ideological consistency to manifest.
Your “Good German” analogy is interesting, considering it is much more applicable to Americans vis-à-vis Muslims rather than Muslims vis-à-vis Americans. Where are the righteous Americans rising up and denouncing those who persecute peaceful Muslims in this fashion? Very few share my reasoned and compassionate viewpoint. Instead, 70% support the glaringly hypocritical, fascist rhetoric of the demagogues! I guess this is not surprising, given the Orwellian bent of the MSM to demonize Muslims, in the service of the agenda of its Zionist/neocon masters.
Every major Islamic organization in the country has repeatedly denounced the actions of the tiny fringe of terrorists in the worldwide Muslim community, but no matter how loud or frequent their denunciations, they will not be published in the MSM nor will it ever be good enough for the demagogues and the many whom they so easily brainwash.
And why is it only Muslims who are collectively held responsible for the actions of the extremists in their midst? Why is not the entire nation of Israel held responsible for its government’s constant glorification of its own terrorists and extremists, instances of which I have repeatedly pointed out? Why aren’t the American people collectively held responsible for failing to prosecute Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Perle, Wolfowitz, Feith, Abrams, Powell, and Rice for their many terrorist crimes, including knowingly lying a nation into attacking and invading countries that never attacked or threatened it? If this “logic” were applied honestly and unhypocritically, then the 9-11 attacks were a justified response to decades of US atrocities against the Muslim world, and Iran and/or Lebanon would be perfectly justified in bombing Israel.
Of course every decent person would “frown on” cutting a woman’s head off, etc. Yet this point is disingenuous, since US policies are directly or indirectly to blame for putting such extremists in a position of power in the first place. In the past fifty years, the US has overthrown or undermined secular democracies in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia and a score of other countries, and either has directly put Islamic extremists in power, or tyrants like the Shah who were understandably overthrown which ultimately led to extremists coming to power. The promotion of Islamic extremism by the US, Britain and Israel was undertaken out of a shortsighted perception that such actions would serve their interests, once again demonstrating the inevitably counterproductive nature of interventionism.
The idea that wars of aggression “prevent terrorism” or “protect our freedoms” would be laughable, if it were not for the heartbreaking fact that most Americans unquestioningly swallow this insane logic and thus become accomplices to mass murder, torture, kidnapping, theft and oppression. By the government’s own statistics, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have served to foment terrorism rather than reduce it. The juvenile and ridiculous “logic” of “fight them over there so we don’t fight them over here” assumes that the number of terrorists is finite, and ignores the enormous recruiting potential of inevitable and massive “collateral damage” (a nice-sounding euphemism for the senseless murder of innocents). If your entire family were wiped out by a US bomb, drone or patrol, there is a good chance that you might promptly show up to volunteer at an Al-Qaeda training camp, unless you show remarkable forgiveness and restraint (and it amazes me how many Muslims do just that under these horrible circumstances).
I suggest you read my article “Did Wikileaks Endanger Lives?” which can easily be found by googling my name, as I’m proud to say it has been published in freedom-loving blogs across the country. In it I quote a House subcommittee report as well as Hillary Clinton herself, both who admit that money being funneled into the alleged “war effort” in Afghanistan goes directly into the pockets of the Taliban in “protection money” for the safe passage of “contractors” to the tune of $400 million a year! Anyone who thinks that this war is accomplishing anything but destroying our freedoms and making our nation less safe is seriously deluded. This is why Wikileaks and Bradley Manning (if he is indeed responsible for the heroic acts of which he is accused) are true heroes to ordinary Americans and enemies of the degenerate elites who don’t give a rat’s ass about the interests of the people. Though I fear that their heroism amounts to nothing more than casting pearls before swine.
I’m sure that the policymakers who foment these wars, which serve no purpose but the obscene enrichment of the elites who pull their puppet strings, laugh at the gullibility of the American people. If you think I’m exaggerating, read “War is a Racket”, a marvelous essay by Maj. Gen. Smedley Butler, which is available online at no cost if you google him. The terrible truths which he so heroically exposes are just as prevalent today as they were when it was written in 1937.
I call the MSM “pro-war” because its bias is obvious. During the buildup to Bush’s monstrous war crimes, Americans who relied on our various Pravda surrogates only got one side of the story, except for occasional hit pieces on Scott Ritter, Hans Blix, Lt. Col. Karen Kwiatkowski and others who had the temerity to counter lies with truth. Those of us who got our news from reliable internet sources, the only real journalists in this country, knew the truth long before the rest of the American people found out when the war propaganda shills were unable to cover up for their masters any longer. Still the American people failed to rise up in outrage and demand the heads of those who committed such horrific crimes. In the face of such rampant and widespread moral degeneracy, I sometimes think we deserve to be attacked and invaded. In any event, our empire certainly deserves to fall, as all empires do.
If the Tea Party is really concerned with fiscal responsibility, I don’t see how it can rationally ignore rampant military spending (51% of the discretionary budget, more for the US than the rest of the world combined) and the staggering, crippling cost of empire (maintaining 800 military bases around the world, often in countries fully capable of defending themselves).
If the Tea Party is concerned with constitutional limited government and the rule of law, why is it not screaming from the rooftops for the repeal of the Military Commissions Act, the Orwellian-named “Patriot Act”, the restoration of posse comitatus, and the repeal of the multitude of other laws on the books which make a mockery of our Constitution as well as the most rudimentary notion of the rule of law? And please don’t answer that rights must be balanced against national security. In a free society, God-given, inalienable rights can never be “balanced” against anything. When this process was completed after 9-11, the terrorists had already won.
Explain to me why the government cannot be trusted to administer health care, yet is given carte blanche to determine who should be subject to extrajudicial assassination, locked up indefinitely without charges or habeas corpus, or kidnapped and taken to a foreign country to be tortured, or have one’s phone tapped without a warrant, in the name of some vague, selectively applied fig leaf called “national security”? Explain to me what safeguards are in place to prevent some president or other policymaker for invoking these laws to mask naked retribution against their political enemies? Name one instance in history in which a government was given such sweeping powers that did not abuse such powers in a horrible fashion. Give me a scenario in which any of our Founding Fathers would react to such laws, and a society that tolerates them, in any other fashion but to recoil in disgust and conclude that their noble experiment in liberty was an utter failure.
Finally, I don’t understand your use of the word “fascism.” Mussolini, who coined the term, stated that fascism could be more appropriately termed “corporatism” – meaning some kind of unholy alliance of government and big business. A typical dictionary definition of the term, as I’m sure you know, is something like this: a governmental system led by a dictator having complete power, forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism, regimenting all industry, commerce, etc., and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism.
I’d say a country that tolerates the demonization of Muslims, blacks and Mexicans, laws that eliminate all basic constitutional rights, and repeatedly invades other countries on dishonest pretexts pretty much fits the bill.
In the years to come, I fully expect to be “renditioned” to a concentration camp and brutally tortured, and I welcome the experience, because my faith and my integrity will not allow me to idly stand by while my Muslim brothers and sisters are being incrementally placed in the same position as that of the Jews in Germany of the mid nineteen-thirties. If that makes me a “terrorist sympathizer”, then I accept the epithet with pride and graciousness. A serious commitment to God, truth and human decency permits no other response.
I make this preamble because I greatly offended a friend recently, and he went off on me after I made what I thought to be a perfectly innocent comment. I found out later he has some anger issues, so maybe it wasn’t entirely my fault. Nevertheless, I made prompt and humble amends. I did not mention what I perceived to be his part in the misunderstanding, even though I still think he overreacted. Now we are the best of friends.
That being said, I will address the following points with an intensity based on a passion I will neither moderate or apologize for:
Many of the statements made in your response exemplify everything that appalls me about my perception of the Tea Party movement. I am astounded at how you can be unaware of anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, pro-war, or racist propaganda in the tea party movement (because of time factors, I will only address Muslim and war issues) when shrill demagogues like Gingrich, Beck, Peitkoff, the rabidly insane Pamela Geller, and Palin are foaming at the mouth about a proposed cultural center, in the midst of strip clubs, gambling dens, and, yes, mosques, four blocks from the site of an act of predictable blowback from US policies. When these shameless degenerates dishonestly demonize a peaceful and heroic Islamic leader who is an outspoken opponent of terrorist violence (a Sufi, no less, the most beautiful, peace-loving, mystical form of Islam) for their own political ends. When they show utter contempt for property rights and the Constitution, which they claim to revere. When mobs across the country, drunk with hatred fomented by these despicable creatures, complete with dogs (which they bring in the mistaken and ignorant belief that Muslims somehow dislike them) try to intimidate Muslims to stop the construction of any and all mosques, in scenes disturbingly reminiscent of Kristallnicht.
Interpreting the construction of a mosque in the vicinity of “Ground Zero” as some sort of an affront is as illogical as objecting to the construction of a church in the vicinity of the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City because Tim McVeigh belonged to some crackpot, nominally Christian sect. I’m not holding my breath waiting for such ideological consistency to manifest.
Your “Good German” analogy is interesting, considering it is much more applicable to Americans vis-à-vis Muslims rather than Muslims vis-à-vis Americans. Where are the righteous Americans rising up and denouncing those who persecute peaceful Muslims in this fashion? Very few share my reasoned and compassionate viewpoint. Instead, 70% support the glaringly hypocritical, fascist rhetoric of the demagogues! I guess this is not surprising, given the Orwellian bent of the MSM to demonize Muslims, in the service of the agenda of its Zionist/neocon masters.
Every major Islamic organization in the country has repeatedly denounced the actions of the tiny fringe of terrorists in the worldwide Muslim community, but no matter how loud or frequent their denunciations, they will not be published in the MSM nor will it ever be good enough for the demagogues and the many whom they so easily brainwash.
And why is it only Muslims who are collectively held responsible for the actions of the extremists in their midst? Why is not the entire nation of Israel held responsible for its government’s constant glorification of its own terrorists and extremists, instances of which I have repeatedly pointed out? Why aren’t the American people collectively held responsible for failing to prosecute Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Perle, Wolfowitz, Feith, Abrams, Powell, and Rice for their many terrorist crimes, including knowingly lying a nation into attacking and invading countries that never attacked or threatened it? If this “logic” were applied honestly and unhypocritically, then the 9-11 attacks were a justified response to decades of US atrocities against the Muslim world, and Iran and/or Lebanon would be perfectly justified in bombing Israel.
Of course every decent person would “frown on” cutting a woman’s head off, etc. Yet this point is disingenuous, since US policies are directly or indirectly to blame for putting such extremists in a position of power in the first place. In the past fifty years, the US has overthrown or undermined secular democracies in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia and a score of other countries, and either has directly put Islamic extremists in power, or tyrants like the Shah who were understandably overthrown which ultimately led to extremists coming to power. The promotion of Islamic extremism by the US, Britain and Israel was undertaken out of a shortsighted perception that such actions would serve their interests, once again demonstrating the inevitably counterproductive nature of interventionism.
The idea that wars of aggression “prevent terrorism” or “protect our freedoms” would be laughable, if it were not for the heartbreaking fact that most Americans unquestioningly swallow this insane logic and thus become accomplices to mass murder, torture, kidnapping, theft and oppression. By the government’s own statistics, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have served to foment terrorism rather than reduce it. The juvenile and ridiculous “logic” of “fight them over there so we don’t fight them over here” assumes that the number of terrorists is finite, and ignores the enormous recruiting potential of inevitable and massive “collateral damage” (a nice-sounding euphemism for the senseless murder of innocents). If your entire family were wiped out by a US bomb, drone or patrol, there is a good chance that you might promptly show up to volunteer at an Al-Qaeda training camp, unless you show remarkable forgiveness and restraint (and it amazes me how many Muslims do just that under these horrible circumstances).
I suggest you read my article “Did Wikileaks Endanger Lives?” which can easily be found by googling my name, as I’m proud to say it has been published in freedom-loving blogs across the country. In it I quote a House subcommittee report as well as Hillary Clinton herself, both who admit that money being funneled into the alleged “war effort” in Afghanistan goes directly into the pockets of the Taliban in “protection money” for the safe passage of “contractors” to the tune of $400 million a year! Anyone who thinks that this war is accomplishing anything but destroying our freedoms and making our nation less safe is seriously deluded. This is why Wikileaks and Bradley Manning (if he is indeed responsible for the heroic acts of which he is accused) are true heroes to ordinary Americans and enemies of the degenerate elites who don’t give a rat’s ass about the interests of the people. Though I fear that their heroism amounts to nothing more than casting pearls before swine.
I’m sure that the policymakers who foment these wars, which serve no purpose but the obscene enrichment of the elites who pull their puppet strings, laugh at the gullibility of the American people. If you think I’m exaggerating, read “War is a Racket”, a marvelous essay by Maj. Gen. Smedley Butler, which is available online at no cost if you google him. The terrible truths which he so heroically exposes are just as prevalent today as they were when it was written in 1937.
I call the MSM “pro-war” because its bias is obvious. During the buildup to Bush’s monstrous war crimes, Americans who relied on our various Pravda surrogates only got one side of the story, except for occasional hit pieces on Scott Ritter, Hans Blix, Lt. Col. Karen Kwiatkowski and others who had the temerity to counter lies with truth. Those of us who got our news from reliable internet sources, the only real journalists in this country, knew the truth long before the rest of the American people found out when the war propaganda shills were unable to cover up for their masters any longer. Still the American people failed to rise up in outrage and demand the heads of those who committed such horrific crimes. In the face of such rampant and widespread moral degeneracy, I sometimes think we deserve to be attacked and invaded. In any event, our empire certainly deserves to fall, as all empires do.
If the Tea Party is really concerned with fiscal responsibility, I don’t see how it can rationally ignore rampant military spending (51% of the discretionary budget, more for the US than the rest of the world combined) and the staggering, crippling cost of empire (maintaining 800 military bases around the world, often in countries fully capable of defending themselves).
If the Tea Party is concerned with constitutional limited government and the rule of law, why is it not screaming from the rooftops for the repeal of the Military Commissions Act, the Orwellian-named “Patriot Act”, the restoration of posse comitatus, and the repeal of the multitude of other laws on the books which make a mockery of our Constitution as well as the most rudimentary notion of the rule of law? And please don’t answer that rights must be balanced against national security. In a free society, God-given, inalienable rights can never be “balanced” against anything. When this process was completed after 9-11, the terrorists had already won.
Explain to me why the government cannot be trusted to administer health care, yet is given carte blanche to determine who should be subject to extrajudicial assassination, locked up indefinitely without charges or habeas corpus, or kidnapped and taken to a foreign country to be tortured, or have one’s phone tapped without a warrant, in the name of some vague, selectively applied fig leaf called “national security”? Explain to me what safeguards are in place to prevent some president or other policymaker for invoking these laws to mask naked retribution against their political enemies? Name one instance in history in which a government was given such sweeping powers that did not abuse such powers in a horrible fashion. Give me a scenario in which any of our Founding Fathers would react to such laws, and a society that tolerates them, in any other fashion but to recoil in disgust and conclude that their noble experiment in liberty was an utter failure.
Finally, I don’t understand your use of the word “fascism.” Mussolini, who coined the term, stated that fascism could be more appropriately termed “corporatism” – meaning some kind of unholy alliance of government and big business. A typical dictionary definition of the term, as I’m sure you know, is something like this: a governmental system led by a dictator having complete power, forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism, regimenting all industry, commerce, etc., and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism.
I’d say a country that tolerates the demonization of Muslims, blacks and Mexicans, laws that eliminate all basic constitutional rights, and repeatedly invades other countries on dishonest pretexts pretty much fits the bill.
In the years to come, I fully expect to be “renditioned” to a concentration camp and brutally tortured, and I welcome the experience, because my faith and my integrity will not allow me to idly stand by while my Muslim brothers and sisters are being incrementally placed in the same position as that of the Jews in Germany of the mid nineteen-thirties. If that makes me a “terrorist sympathizer”, then I accept the epithet with pride and graciousness. A serious commitment to God, truth and human decency permits no other response.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Response to an Internet Scam
We’ve all received them. An e-mail from a foreign potentate/English Lord/eccentric philanthropist offering to bestow vast sums of money upon us if we will only provide them with basic information such as our bank account number, our date of birth, password, shoe size, dimensions of our genitalia, and the like..
These used to annoy me. Now I have fun with it. When I get one of these e-mails, I respond with something like this:
Dear Prince Nkomo,
Thank you for your kind offer. I look forward to receiving the $50,000,000. When can I expect it? I intend to spend the entire amount on Kit Kat bars and diamond-studded condoms.
Recently I received an e-mail from one Sunny Che Hung Wong, who claimed that he/she represented a Hong Kong electronics firm who wanted to hire me to collect sums due from their North American holdings. The e-mail read as follows:
After a careful review, we decided to contact you to represent our company in North America . Walex Electronic Ltd. with its head office in Hong Kong ,We got your contact detail from our online search for attorney.
The management of Walex Electronic Ltd. requires your legal representation for our North American delinquent Customers. We are of the opinion that a reputable attorney is required to represent us in North America in order for us to recover monies due to our organization by overseas customers, and as well follow up with these accounts. In order to achieve these objectives a good and reputable law firm like yours will be required to handle this service.
Attorney, you can advise us what is required to draw a proper letter of engagement that will be review by our board. We are most inclined to commence talks with you as soon as possible. We shall bring you into a detailed picture of what your responsibility is, when we receive your response.
Note the personal touch. I responded as follows:
Dear Sir/Madam:
Thank you for your recent correspondence. I am flattered that you have chosen me from among the many fine attorneys that this great country has to offer. I can assure you that you have indeed made a wise choice.
First, my background. I received my undergraduate degree at Ronald McDonald University, where I majored in koala bear husbandry with a minor in Yahtzee theory. I obtained my J.D. at Pinsk Academy for the Underprivileged, where I graduated magnum p.i. I went on to receive my LLM. at Big Ed's Chitlin Emporium and One-Stop Tanning Salon.
I have this really groovy briefcase that is plastered with Teletubby stickers. In fact, I often appear in court dressed in a Teletubby costume - usually Tinky Winky, although sometimes I dress as Po. Who's your favorite Teletubby?
The looks on the faces of my colleagues and clients is priceless. They gape open-mouthed and are often struck speechless. Obviously, they are awed by my brilliant legal acumen.
Yes, I sure know how to loosen things up in a courtroom. Just the other day I was in court and the other attorney kept droning on about inadmissible evidence or some shit. So I gave him a wedgie. The judge turned purple and kept pointing his finger at me and yammering endlessly about contempt of court or something. Is that good?
Anyway, I’m so glad that you have recognized my astute talents for handling all kinds of legal crap. I am confident that our further correspondence will lead to a mutually beneficial and long-lasting relationship. My fee schedule and contact number are listed below.
I look forward to working with you.
Fees:
Initial consultation 1 Kit Kat bar
Court appearance 5 magic beans
Favorable result Thirty pieces of silver
Sincerely,
Lee Harvey Oswald, Esquire
Of Counsel
Sirhan, Sirhan, Sirhan, Sirhan, Kennedy and Sirhan, P.A.
1-900-MAN-LOVE
I thought this would be the end of it. But nooooooooo. A few weeks later Mr./Ms. Hung Wong graced me with the identical e-mail
Oh well.
These used to annoy me. Now I have fun with it. When I get one of these e-mails, I respond with something like this:
Dear Prince Nkomo,
Thank you for your kind offer. I look forward to receiving the $50,000,000. When can I expect it? I intend to spend the entire amount on Kit Kat bars and diamond-studded condoms.
Recently I received an e-mail from one Sunny Che Hung Wong, who claimed that he/she represented a Hong Kong electronics firm who wanted to hire me to collect sums due from their North American holdings. The e-mail read as follows:
After a careful review, we decided to contact you to represent our company in North America . Walex Electronic Ltd. with its head office in Hong Kong ,We got your contact detail from our online search for attorney.
The management of Walex Electronic Ltd. requires your legal representation for our North American delinquent Customers. We are of the opinion that a reputable attorney is required to represent us in North America in order for us to recover monies due to our organization by overseas customers, and as well follow up with these accounts. In order to achieve these objectives a good and reputable law firm like yours will be required to handle this service.
Attorney, you can advise us what is required to draw a proper letter of engagement that will be review by our board. We are most inclined to commence talks with you as soon as possible. We shall bring you into a detailed picture of what your responsibility is, when we receive your response.
Note the personal touch. I responded as follows:
Dear Sir/Madam:
Thank you for your recent correspondence. I am flattered that you have chosen me from among the many fine attorneys that this great country has to offer. I can assure you that you have indeed made a wise choice.
First, my background. I received my undergraduate degree at Ronald McDonald University, where I majored in koala bear husbandry with a minor in Yahtzee theory. I obtained my J.D. at Pinsk Academy for the Underprivileged, where I graduated magnum p.i. I went on to receive my LLM. at Big Ed's Chitlin Emporium and One-Stop Tanning Salon.
I have this really groovy briefcase that is plastered with Teletubby stickers. In fact, I often appear in court dressed in a Teletubby costume - usually Tinky Winky, although sometimes I dress as Po. Who's your favorite Teletubby?
The looks on the faces of my colleagues and clients is priceless. They gape open-mouthed and are often struck speechless. Obviously, they are awed by my brilliant legal acumen.
Yes, I sure know how to loosen things up in a courtroom. Just the other day I was in court and the other attorney kept droning on about inadmissible evidence or some shit. So I gave him a wedgie. The judge turned purple and kept pointing his finger at me and yammering endlessly about contempt of court or something. Is that good?
Anyway, I’m so glad that you have recognized my astute talents for handling all kinds of legal crap. I am confident that our further correspondence will lead to a mutually beneficial and long-lasting relationship. My fee schedule and contact number are listed below.
I look forward to working with you.
Fees:
Initial consultation 1 Kit Kat bar
Court appearance 5 magic beans
Favorable result Thirty pieces of silver
Sincerely,
Lee Harvey Oswald, Esquire
Of Counsel
Sirhan, Sirhan, Sirhan, Sirhan, Kennedy and Sirhan, P.A.
1-900-MAN-LOVE
I thought this would be the end of it. But nooooooooo. A few weeks later Mr./Ms. Hung Wong graced me with the identical e-mail
Oh well.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My Manifesto
I’ve pretty much given up on electoral politics as a way to effect meaningful change. The way I see it, both parties are hopelessly corrupt, wholly-owned subsidiaries of powerful elites, and there’s not much difference between Democrats and Republicans on any issues of importance. Both parties are dedicated to big government, predatory regulations, endless war and empire, corporate welfare, insane levels of military spending, and the redistribution of wealth from the poor and middle classes upward to the wealthiest and most powerful elites – the banksters, Wall Street parasites, and multinational corporations who have long ago divested themselves of any loyalty to America.
I myself am a registered Republican, only so that I could vote for Ron Paul in the 2008 primary. He is one of a very few politicians I respect, along with his son Rand, Pat Buchanan, and on the Democratic side, Dennis Kucinich, Cynthia McKinney, Al Franken, Mike Gravel and Barbara Lee. I see these people as men and women of integrity and even though I disagree with all of them on some issues, I believe they are true patriots who are working for the best interests of this country. The rest of them, as far as I am concerned, could be dumped in a huge pit and covered with raw sewage topped off with molten lead, and the country would be better off.
I refuse to use the terms “conservative” or “liberal.” I think that these terms have been so abused and debased in what passes for our national political discourse as to render them meaningless. If I had to label myself, the most accurate term I would use would be “libertarian”, although with a small “l” (the Libertarian Party is just as compromised and ideologically polluted as the Republicans and Democrats).
But even the word “libertarian” is to a certain degree inaccurate to describe my views. I approach politics from a Christian perspective, which I interpret as standing up for the poor, the oppressed and disenfranchised and being true to the principles of rigorous honesty and integrity in all of this nation’s affairs.
I have the utmost respect for traditional conservatives. I have no respect whatsoever for so-called “neoconservatives”, who are not conservative at all, but whose ideology is derived from a long line of “former” Communists (Irving Kristol, Norman Podhoretz, Lucianne Goldberg) who, in my opinion, never really renounced the Communist ideology, just made a different assessment as to where power lies. These people still adhere to Leninist principles of deception, the end justifies the means, breaking eggs to make omelets, and, above all else, loyalty to the Party, whether it be the Communist Party, the Republican Party, or whatever other vehicle they might find useful at the moment to advance the only principle they truly value – the acquisition of absolute power. These people have lied us into war, destroyed our civil liberties, and have basically defecated on everything that was good and pure about this country. The immorality and lawlessness they unleashed under Bush has become the new normality under Obama. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss, indeed.
I respect those who wear the uniform – if they earn my respect. I have deep admiration for military heroes such as General Smedley Butler, the most decorated general in U.S. history, who singlehandedly foiled a fascist plot to overthrow the government during the Roosevelt (Franklin) administration, whose essay “War is a Racket” exposed the fraud of wars of conquest waged around the turn of the century, when vicious and dishonest leaders like Roosevelt (Theodore) began the destruction of our (formerly) great republic which history has shown time and again is a necessary consequence of becoming an empire. I respect others like Lt. Col. Karen Kwiatkowski (Ret.) who refused to go along with the neocons’ shameless deception in the buildup to the monstrous war crime known as the invasion of Iraq. Also General William Odom, Lt. Ehren Watada, Sgt. Adam Kokesh, Kevin Benderman, Ethan McCord, Josh Steiber, Bradley Manning, and all others who had the courage to speak out and/or take action against the crimes of our government in waging these indefensible wars of aggression.
I have no respect whatsoever for kiss-ups like Petraeus, McChrystal, or James “killing people is fun” Mattis. In my opinion, these men have disgraced our nation and recklessly endangered our troops as well as our civilian population by their utter contempt for international law and our Constitution. Their only loyalty is to their own career advancement and they don’t give a rat’s ass about what is good for our country or the rest of the world. They are vile sociopaths who should be thrown into the same pit with the politicians I referenced earlier.
I think that U.S. support for the terrorist state of Israel will go down in history as one of the worst crimes of our government as well as incomprehensibly self-destructive behavior that has harmed our nation like nothing else. Israel is a nation that was born in terrorism, that glorifies its own terrorists, and brutalizes anyone who gets in the way of its expansionist agenda, fueled by endless orgies of murder, theft and vandalism. Israel is a nation that has never missed an opportunity to stab the United States in the back. It has attacked our ship (U.S.S. Liberty), initiated false-flag terrorist attacks against United States citizens (the Lavon affair), and repeatedly has been caught red-handed stealing our most sensitive military secrets and selling them to our enemies. In my opinion, supporting Israel is an act of treason and a moral disgrace.
I think that with all the huge problems facing our nation, worrying about a few Mexicans sneaking across the border to pick fruit or bus tables is like swatting at mosquitoes while the Titanic is sinking. The real threat to our economy does not come from illegal immigrants, it comes from allowing self-interested elites with no loyalty to the American people to export our jobs in massive numbers to third-world countries. I see the demonization of illegal immigrants as a (thus far successful) attempt to distract Americans from very real threats to our well-being and to use the age-old tactic of divide and conquer. More importantly to me, I see it as immoral and anti-Christian oppression of the powerless, the very people Christ exhorted us to honor and treat with compassion. “As ye do unto the least of thy brethren, ye do unto me.” Ditto for the current fashion of demonizing Muslims. May stinking scum like Newt Gingrich, Leonard Peitkoff, Pamela Geller, Glenn Beck and the useless bimbo from Alaska, who foment hatred to advance their own worthless careers, be fitted with millstones around their necks and cast into the sea.
This is the truth as I see it.
I myself am a registered Republican, only so that I could vote for Ron Paul in the 2008 primary. He is one of a very few politicians I respect, along with his son Rand, Pat Buchanan, and on the Democratic side, Dennis Kucinich, Cynthia McKinney, Al Franken, Mike Gravel and Barbara Lee. I see these people as men and women of integrity and even though I disagree with all of them on some issues, I believe they are true patriots who are working for the best interests of this country. The rest of them, as far as I am concerned, could be dumped in a huge pit and covered with raw sewage topped off with molten lead, and the country would be better off.
I refuse to use the terms “conservative” or “liberal.” I think that these terms have been so abused and debased in what passes for our national political discourse as to render them meaningless. If I had to label myself, the most accurate term I would use would be “libertarian”, although with a small “l” (the Libertarian Party is just as compromised and ideologically polluted as the Republicans and Democrats).
But even the word “libertarian” is to a certain degree inaccurate to describe my views. I approach politics from a Christian perspective, which I interpret as standing up for the poor, the oppressed and disenfranchised and being true to the principles of rigorous honesty and integrity in all of this nation’s affairs.
I have the utmost respect for traditional conservatives. I have no respect whatsoever for so-called “neoconservatives”, who are not conservative at all, but whose ideology is derived from a long line of “former” Communists (Irving Kristol, Norman Podhoretz, Lucianne Goldberg) who, in my opinion, never really renounced the Communist ideology, just made a different assessment as to where power lies. These people still adhere to Leninist principles of deception, the end justifies the means, breaking eggs to make omelets, and, above all else, loyalty to the Party, whether it be the Communist Party, the Republican Party, or whatever other vehicle they might find useful at the moment to advance the only principle they truly value – the acquisition of absolute power. These people have lied us into war, destroyed our civil liberties, and have basically defecated on everything that was good and pure about this country. The immorality and lawlessness they unleashed under Bush has become the new normality under Obama. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss, indeed.
I respect those who wear the uniform – if they earn my respect. I have deep admiration for military heroes such as General Smedley Butler, the most decorated general in U.S. history, who singlehandedly foiled a fascist plot to overthrow the government during the Roosevelt (Franklin) administration, whose essay “War is a Racket” exposed the fraud of wars of conquest waged around the turn of the century, when vicious and dishonest leaders like Roosevelt (Theodore) began the destruction of our (formerly) great republic which history has shown time and again is a necessary consequence of becoming an empire. I respect others like Lt. Col. Karen Kwiatkowski (Ret.) who refused to go along with the neocons’ shameless deception in the buildup to the monstrous war crime known as the invasion of Iraq. Also General William Odom, Lt. Ehren Watada, Sgt. Adam Kokesh, Kevin Benderman, Ethan McCord, Josh Steiber, Bradley Manning, and all others who had the courage to speak out and/or take action against the crimes of our government in waging these indefensible wars of aggression.
I have no respect whatsoever for kiss-ups like Petraeus, McChrystal, or James “killing people is fun” Mattis. In my opinion, these men have disgraced our nation and recklessly endangered our troops as well as our civilian population by their utter contempt for international law and our Constitution. Their only loyalty is to their own career advancement and they don’t give a rat’s ass about what is good for our country or the rest of the world. They are vile sociopaths who should be thrown into the same pit with the politicians I referenced earlier.
I think that U.S. support for the terrorist state of Israel will go down in history as one of the worst crimes of our government as well as incomprehensibly self-destructive behavior that has harmed our nation like nothing else. Israel is a nation that was born in terrorism, that glorifies its own terrorists, and brutalizes anyone who gets in the way of its expansionist agenda, fueled by endless orgies of murder, theft and vandalism. Israel is a nation that has never missed an opportunity to stab the United States in the back. It has attacked our ship (U.S.S. Liberty), initiated false-flag terrorist attacks against United States citizens (the Lavon affair), and repeatedly has been caught red-handed stealing our most sensitive military secrets and selling them to our enemies. In my opinion, supporting Israel is an act of treason and a moral disgrace.
I think that with all the huge problems facing our nation, worrying about a few Mexicans sneaking across the border to pick fruit or bus tables is like swatting at mosquitoes while the Titanic is sinking. The real threat to our economy does not come from illegal immigrants, it comes from allowing self-interested elites with no loyalty to the American people to export our jobs in massive numbers to third-world countries. I see the demonization of illegal immigrants as a (thus far successful) attempt to distract Americans from very real threats to our well-being and to use the age-old tactic of divide and conquer. More importantly to me, I see it as immoral and anti-Christian oppression of the powerless, the very people Christ exhorted us to honor and treat with compassion. “As ye do unto the least of thy brethren, ye do unto me.” Ditto for the current fashion of demonizing Muslims. May stinking scum like Newt Gingrich, Leonard Peitkoff, Pamela Geller, Glenn Beck and the useless bimbo from Alaska, who foment hatred to advance their own worthless careers, be fitted with millstones around their necks and cast into the sea.
This is the truth as I see it.
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